When my ex asked me if I could drop him and my daughter off at the airport for the Christmas break, I immediately agreed.
Their flight was in the evening of the 23rd of December. Mine was early in the morning on the 24th. I thought it was a good idea to drive them to the terminal so that I could make sure they'd arrive safe and, also, I could say bye to both before my own departure.
The week before Christmas, however, the weather forecast announced a heavy snow storm coming our way. Flights were likely to be cancelled or postponed and many people changed their plans to leave before the storm.
I have been many times to the airport and I'd normally enjoy the hour drive to get there, but the idea of driving on slippery roads made me feel quite anxious.
So when the 23rd came and we got closer to take off, all of my fears started to ramp up. My throat felt sore and I had various body aches that seemed to get stronger by the minute.
I desperately wanted to get rid of these fears so I went upstairs and, in the silence of my room, I started to inhale and exhale at a steady pace.
As I kept breathing in and out, the tickling sensation started to come up. Good sign, I thought.
I decided to lie down on my bed and, after 5-10 minutes, I felt a sharp pang below the right side of my rib cage. It felt as if someone had grabbed my liver and squeezed it in a tight grip. Breathing became difficult and I had to force myself to inhale through the pain. After a few minutes of that, tears started streaming down my face. I stood up and wrapped my hands around my knees and rocked myself back and forth in a fetal position. I cried and cried and as I cried I said: "I am too small to do this (Life?) by myself. The world is too big for me. I cannot do this by myself. I am alone, I have no one to help me".
I suddenly went back to some childhood memories and remembered all the times I felt small and incapable. I would often feel like the world was too big and too difficult for me, and I didn't have the strength to face life and its challenges.
I was surprised by what came out of my mouth, but I also felt strangely familiar with this feeling. I hadn't felt it in a long time, but when it came up I recognized it immediately, like you would recognize an old friend that you haven't seen for years.
Once the crying came to a stop, I felt relieved and happy. For the first time I realized that fears don't necessarily feel 'scary' but they can be just an overwhelming feeling that we have been shying away from for years.
Few weeks before this event, something similar happened that is worth mentioning.
One day, I had a pungent headache that started in the morning and became increasingly strong throughout the day. By mid afternoon I was feeling so sick that my right eye was tearing up by itself and I had a strong nausea.
Unlike other times, that day I decided to avoid taking medications and feel through the pain.
I went up in my room and started to cry about the pain while praying God to help me understand the underlying reason of the headache.
At first, the pain intensified and the headache became so strong that I ended up curling up on the floor with the head between my hands. I felt like my head was going to explode.
Then, as I kept crying and praying, I finally got in touch with deeper emotions and that's when things shifted. Once again I felt thrown back to my childhood years and I cried out aloud "Nobody cares for me. Nobody loves me."
This process lasted about an hour, and when I finally felt done with it I had lost any sense of time. My eyes were purple and red, and they were so swollen that I could barely keep them open. In spite of that, my heart felt light and I felt happy and energized.
These two experiences represent a very meaningful step in my investigation, for they made me realize that there is a connection between intentions and actions.
The last 2-3 times that I applied the breathing technique to face my fears, I wasn't ready to emotionally face them. I was going through the process with the idea of observing the reactions in my body, without really engaging on an emotional level.
As a matter of fact, the first time I tried the technique, as soon as my muscles tensed up and my throat closed up, I prayed God and my spirit guides to help me feel secure.
I now realize that I was praying to avoid my fears, therefore I wasn't willing to experience them but I rather wanted to force them out through a physical process of release. When it came to pain, I adopted pretty much the same approach. I would focus on pain and get angry about feeling it, but I never really softened into it.
I'm sure there will be many more occasions to experiment with fear and pain, and I'm sure that many times I will resist them like I have done before, but my faith in the process is stronger. There is one more piece of the puzzle that found its place and, as small as it might seem, it is a big step forward in my eyes.
I'm happy to see that I am learning more about myself and the narrow way.
I hope this will inspire you to get your hands dirty and experiment with your own fears and pains.
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For more info on fear please watch the following video:
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